


Engraved

by PrettyBoyAngelCas



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Artist Steve Rogers, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Steve Rogers, Clint and Natasha act like an old married couple, Codependency, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Must Be Protected, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Bucky Barnes, Kinda Bi Bucky, M/M, Natasha is a badass as always, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protect Clint, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Clint Barton, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Steve Rogers, Proud Boyfriend Clint, Recovery, SO GAY, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts, Switching, Top Bucky Barnes, Top Steve Rogers, Tumblr Prompt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, protect bucky barnes, tumblr inspired, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:41:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyBoyAngelCas/pseuds/PrettyBoyAngelCas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The countdown on his arm had stopped years ago and Steve was definitely not okay, though he'd like to disagree. He was self-aware and he know he wasn't alright but he refused to admit it out loud. Along with the countdown, not seeing Bucky put a toll on Steve. A harsh toll that is having a hard time ending. A harsh toll resulting in blood dripping down his body, even after he had Bucky back. And Bucky wouldn't let this continue, he's going to stop it one way or another. He would protect Steve with all he's got.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Engraved

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoy! This is my first shot at a Stucky fic. You can also read on Wattpad if that is preferred: https://www.wattpad.com/story/79184202-engraved-~-stucky

**THEN**

Steve can say many things that no one else can. He can say he crashed a plane into the ocean. He can said he was frozen in said ocean for seventy years. He can say he was thawed out of the ice and was brought into a new, modern world. He can say he was the face of the American military during World War II. These things are what makes Steve so fascinating. His story is known so well by people nationwide. Known enough to get looks of awe and excitement but also enough to get looks of disappointment.

When he announced that he would be stepping down from his constant evil-fighting ways, the reaction was mixed. Some people shouted in the streets in anger and sadness, others cheered and threw parties. Unfortunately for Steve,  it's much harder to stop being a superhero than he thought. Occasionally he'll hear of some kind of surfaced evil and march straight to S.H.I.E.L.D to join his friends in the fight.

By doing such things, Steve makes his situation worse. Whenever one of his friends gets even a small bruise, he will put all the blame on himself. His mind will cloud with harmful thoughts. He'll think of the ways he could have came to their rescue to stop the bruise, or the cut, or the stab. Instead of moving on from those thoughts, like Nat encourages him to, he inflicts some kind of pain on himself in order to somehow make up for what little injury occurred. Steve realizes injuries comes hand in hand with being a superhero but he can never shake the feeling that he could have done something.

His body runs on self-loathing. He looks back at decisions he's made, all the way back to the 40's, and builds up anger towards himself. Usually this results in either a big hole in the wall or blood running down Steve's body. With the serum, there would be no trace of bodily harm within hours, so why stop? If no one will see his torn up hands from slamming his fist into multiple punching bags with no wrap or protection, no one would know to stop him. If staying underwater a bit too long during a refreshing swim helps him hate himself a little bit less, why not continue? If the water rushing into his lungs and filling up his system doesn't fully affect him the same way it does with non-super beings, why should he care about only momentary pain?

  
Without the serum protecting him from causing permanent damage to his body, if they found a way to 'de-serum' Steve, would he still being doing this? Would he slide razors along his skin if the cuts would not heal? Would he let himself bleed out? The serum stopped that from happening not too long ago. Steve knew that his cuts would heal in time so as blood ran down his arm, giving him some type of sadistic contentment, he watched television. He made sure to skip past the news stations as fast as he could while he wrapped his arm in bandages.

  
No one knows of that night Steve had. Where he sat in his most comfortable pajamas and kept his arm far from him so he wouldn't stain them. Steve was grateful that he had the ability no human had, where a slide of a razor would have no sign when he went to bed. No white, jagged lines would appear on his skin as they would on the arm of a beautiful, important human. He's grateful he's not the teenage girl who lives in the apartment next to him. Only because the signs of her razor were left on her pale skin. When he sees her, he always tries to make her day. Giving her compliments and listening to her rant would be a highlight of his night. He wanted this girl to know she was worth someone's time, he wanted her to know that he would fight off any evil he could to keep her alive. Because he believed every human should have a life they deserved. And this teen deserved a happy life and a stress-free life, like he believed most humans did. The only exception would be the kind of people he fights, or fought, against with his friends. Murders and ruthless criminals deserve a life of punishment and reform.

But what about super-humans? What kind of life do they deserve? Do they deserve praise and attention? Do they deserve to be treated as lab rats? Steve still isn't quite sure what his answers to these questions are. But does Steve have the right to say what people deserve?

The answer to that question is not clear. Does anyone hold such honor to be able to say what people deserve? Even the fairest judge? Is it wrong for a man or a woman to decide what someone they've never met deserves? Is it immoral for us to be rooting for a life sentence for a criminal we know nothing about? Does the fact that said criminal committed an unlawful act mean the judge and jury should be able to decide the rest of this man's life?

Do a judge and jury deserve to decide what others deserve?

Even then we are forming ideals of what one's life should be like. We hold the freedom to pronounce our self judge. And once we are the judge, what is there to stop you? What or who is going to tell you that you've done your job? When will you be told to stop proclaiming yourself as judge?

Even as Natasha approaches Steve, he finds himself thinking that her pants seem a little too tight. While it's not a harsh judgment, why should he say what Nat should wear?

"What's up with you? You've been sitting here all day," her voice held undertones of concern and curiosity. Steve debated whether he should just ignore her or shrug but decided, why not, and spoke.

"I've just been thinking," he leaves his answer simple and short. Clearly, Natasha doesn't get that Steve isn't in the mood to speak. Or maybe she does and just doesn't care.

"About what? If your putting yourself down about Barnes again, I swear I will hurt you." Steve could almost chuckle at that statement but he isn't sure what it is about it that makes it so humorous to him. Maybe the fact that he kind of wants to be hurt or maybe the fact that his silence finally isn't about Bucky this time.

"Or is it that damn countdown on your wrist? Don't act like you don't get all sad and shit about it." Nat's useless concerned blabbering is actually not helping Steve much. In fact, it's only making him sadder. Now his mind is being crashed by thoughts of his longtime, close friend Bucky, who's off in some room so close to him. His friend who is getting his mind swept from the meaning behind the words that triggered him into becoming the Winter Soldier. His friend who is being put under cryo everyday. Everything in his life was so much easier when he had Buck. Buck would protect him from anything, even things that didn't take physical form, such as illness. What would Bucky think about Steve hurting himself? What would he think about how long Steve has been doing it for? What would Bucky think when Steve told him this all started when he was gone?

And just to add onto that pain, he's now thinking of the clock on his wrist. The clock which is on every human's body, often on the wrist but sometimes in other places. The clock that counts down to the time that you'll meet the person who you'll spend the rest of your life with. The clock which for Steve, has been a full set of zeroes since he was a kid. He always assumed that it was someone that he met in school back in the 20th century and has since died. He just assumed that he would have to deal with the cold, emptiness in his heart that pounded in sorrow. What were the chances of finding someone else who has lost their soulmate and actually falling in love with them. Not very likely.

"Nat can you please stop. You're not exactly clearing my mind." Steve stared at Natasha blankly, waiting for her to explode on him for interrupting her. Surprisingly, she didn't.

"I'm just worried about you, полосы. You haven't been the happy go-lucky, all American boy lately," she gave him a sad smile and bumped his should with hers, "Why don't you join Clint and I for a nice card game tonight?"

Steve sat on it for a moment. Today wasn't a very good day for him, he didn't want his bad mood to ruin his friend's night. But then again, he did need some kind of fun in his life.

"Sure, I guess I could."

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It was a little short but I plan on making the next chapters longer <3


End file.
